As days turn to months and months turn to years, you are pulled by the current into the sea of your new normal. New memories are made without your mom which I guess makes it a little easier because the triggers that catapult you into grief are less frequent. My husband Erik and I began to make new memories in Virginia where we moved shortly after my mom died. After a few years of living here, I became pregnant with a baby girl. Erik and I were thrilled! I was excited to become a mother. We began planning for the baby's arrival with talks of transforming the back room into a nursery. My sister was going to throw me a baby shower and Erik and I even named our baby girl: Elle.
On 9/21/15 at about 5 months along in our pregnancy we lost our baby. I will spare you the medical details. Let's just say I was not prepared for the wave of emotions that would ensue. I figured I had dealt with most of the feelings around my mom's passing but for some reason, this loss caused me to grieve the loss of my mom all over again. It's as if I lost Elle and my mom on the same day. I still can't make sense of the complicated nature and the intricate web of emotions around the loss of a mom and a daughter. But what I do know for sure is that in addition to my sadness I was angry and it was directed at my mom. Why didn't she protect Elle? I felt abandoned by my mom that she wasn't around to hug me and say, "Honey, everything is going to be alright." I helped deal with this anger by writing my mom letters beginning with, "Fuck you". I blamed her because I had to blame someone. I lost a mom and now to be stripped of the opportunity of being one just wasn't fair. I began to build another wall around me. At least if I did this people couldn't get in and therefore, couldn't leave me and cause me pain. I've always prided myself on my ability to be vulnerable but that part of me is dying. I'm realizing now that the creation of this website is an effort to regain my vulnerability by expressing the good, the bad and the ugly.
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