Life was supposed to be different. This is a thought that I, and some of you have had that likely causes feelings of inadequacy and even panic. It’s a sense that you missed the last train and now you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere with no idea how to get home. Maybe you feel you’ve chosen the wrong career, don’t have enough money, or free time. Maybe you feel you’re not living out your life’s purpose. But what if we let go of the expectations we've placed on ourselves and simply ride the current of life's river without resistance?
Growing up in Ridgewood, NJ was a dream. As a friend so brilliantly put it, Ridgewood is like a Norman Rockwell painting come to life with splendid 4th of July parades, a beautiful town bathing beach, and around the holidays Santa’s red hut prominently placed in the center of the Village where children can wish for even more. I experienced magical Christmases, homemade funfetti birthday cakes, and a backyard sweet 16 celebration. I was always safe and my basic needs were perpetually met. For whatever reason, I naively assumed that this stress-free existence would follow me into my later years.
Admittedly I figured that by now at age 34, I would have two kids, a home surrounded by a white picket fence, a six-figure salary, a dog, and toss in some fame to boot. I don’t have any of this. Instead, over the past 5 years I’ve lost a mother, a daughter, and a grandmother. I’ve also had deep pain pervade a few relationships. Life got real but this isn’t to say that these past 5 years haven’t been magnificent. I have an adoring husband, I do meaningful hospice work, I have a loving family, a solid social network comprised of all walks of life, and during my free time Erik and I kayak on the Potomac River. The point is that even though the blueprints that we conjure up in our minds don't always come to life doesn't make life any less awesome.
I’m learning to release the tight grip I have on life and allow the river’s current to take hold of me. The momentum of the river is powerful and I have no business trying to tame it. Admittedly, letting go and allowing is no easy feat for a type A personality who often thrives on a sense of control albeit illusionary. But, when I make the decision to quit trying to swim upstream and embrace the unpredictable my despair transforms to joy. This submission has awarded me experiences I would not have otherwise had.
But please don’t think this philosophy of riding the river is an invitation to ignore life’s struggles; on the contrary, as someone who has spent countless hours bathed in her own tears, I understand the power of holding space to honor the hurt even if it's grieving what could have been. Pain is present for good reason and for healing it’s necessary to cradle this shattered part of self like one would a newborn baby. It’s so tempting to distract oneself with wine or other people's photos on Instagram but the pain will inevitably resurface as it's begging for your attention. Sitting with the discomfort is your way of saying to yourself, “I’m here with you and I’m not going anywhere. What is it you want to tell me?” I've had days where I'm joyous and then all it takes is the way the sun peeks through the silver sky that sends me into darkness. I'm not even sure why. The only thing I'm sure of is the deep sadness I feel in the moment and rather than stuff it down I allow myself to experience it. I'm fully present in my pain and eventually it subsides.
So relax more and learn to be grateful for all of the blessings you do have even if they're not the blessings you planned for. You don't want to wait until these blessings are gone to realize they were blessings after all.
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